The Wedding Destroyers/Script
Masterson girls are trying on bridesmaid dresses. Emma: "I can't believe my wedding is only seven days away!" Jen: "Tell me about it. I'm about to inherit three smelly stepbrothers. I don't think this dress will fit me." Emma: "Sure it will! And don't forget, they'll be my smelly stepsons." Jen: "Yeah well you don't have to share a bathroom with them." Emma: "Oh, maybe it won't be that bad." Jen: "You don't know, Mom! They spit all over the sink, leave their nasty underwear on the ground, and they never wash their towels! Oh, and yesterday, they ate all the nacho chips!" sighs. "I'm not saying that I don't want you to marry Jonesy's dad. I just wish we could stay in our house instead of moving into theirs." Emma: "Jen, we already went over this. Their house is much bigger than ours, and there's seven of us now." Courtney: "At least Jonesy and Diego are moving up to the loft as soon as it's finished so we can have their rooms. All set!" exits the changing room clad in the bridesmaid dress. She looks beautiful. Emma: "Oh, Courtney, you look beautiful!" Courtney: "It's so pretty, Mom!" Dress Consultant: "Oh, you have the perfect body for this dress!" Courtney: "Jen, come out. Let's see you." opens the door, and all three of them gasp. Emma: "Oh dear." decidedly does not have the perfect body for this dress. Jen: "I know, I know! Flat-chested Jen can't even fill out a size six!" Courtney: "That's so weird. My size six fits me perfectly." Dress Consultant: "I'll start pinning." works on pinning the dress up. Jen: poked "Ow! Watch it!" Courtney: "She has surprisingly large thighs." Jen: "Unh! I hate this wedding!" gathers herself up and locks herself inside a change room. ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''The Wedding Destroyers' ---- ''get a shot of a calender. Several days have been crossed out, signifying that they're over. The wedding will be the 25th. Today, however, is the 19th. ---- is by the Big Squeeze while Caitlin is inside it. Caitlin is flipping through a bridal magazine. Caitlin: "Do you like white flowers or pink?" Nikki: "I. Don't. Care." Caitlin: "Do you think you'll get married outdoors or inside a church?" not wanting to talk about weddings, growls and crushes her plastic cup. Jen: "Hey guys." walks up, looking rumpled. Caitlin: "Hey Jen." gasping "Oh my gosh! You look awful. What's wrong?" Jen: "Oh, nothing. Except that I had zero bathroom time this morning! It's bad enough Courtney needs an hour in front of the mirror, but now I have to deal with three boys too. And they'll fight you for the bathroom. I have practically no feeling left in my upper arms!" Nikki: "Surprise, surprise. The move-in's not going well." Jen: "No. And don't even ask about the dress." Caitlin: a makeup bag "Here. Let me fix you up." goes to work on Jen. Jen: "Why can't they get married and just stay in their own houses? Then everything would be perfect." Nikki: "Good thinking. Then you could yell even louder at each other." Caitlin: "I don't think it works that way." Jen: "Well it should! It would be better for the kids. Jonesy and his brothers are impossible!" guys walk up. Jonesy: "Excusez-moi? It's girls that are impossible to deal with. Try having a bathroom drawer stuffed with tampons and makeup and listening to chick music all night." Wyatt: "Unh, yuck." Jonesy: "Exactly!" Jen: "We only moved in two days ago, and already they're playing couch commando and totally hogging the remote." Caitlin: "Oh, I hate that!" Jen: "Then, the guys have this rule about the big comfy armchair." Wyatt: "Oh, the Eating Chair?" Jonesy: "Yeah, that's the one." Jen: "Anyone who's eating gets to sit in it. And if someone has a bigger meal than you, then they get to kick you out of the chair! Which is–so unfair, because they're guys! We'll never eat more than them!" Jude: "Okay, that is a great rule." Nikki: "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!" Jen: "I ate an entire pint of ice cream last night just to get to sit in the chair for twenty minutes!" Jonesy: jovial "You can't change sixteen years of tradition! That's how it's always been, and that's how it will always be." groans and gets up. Jen: "I have to get to work! At least one thing in my life hasn't changed. Later girls." leaves, and Caitlin stares at Jonesy angrily. Jonesy: "What? Have a cow, why don't you." rolls her eyes. ---- Jen: "Ugh, gross!" is in the Penalty Box, pinching her nose shut. A customer has taken off his shoes, and his feet stink. Coach Halder: "You're offside, Masterson!" picks her up and carries her away. Jen: "Fine. Give me a penalty. But it's not my fault. His feet do stink." Halder slams the door on the penalty box, locking Jen in. The customer walks out, foot stink spreading out behind him. Coach Halder gets a whiff and runs to find something to cleanse his nostrils. Coach Halder: "Holy, oh my lord, holy, disgusting!" takes out her cell phone and calls Nikki. Nikki: "Yello." Jen: "Okay. Am I overreacting, or are all men barbarians?" Nikki: "Guys are like badly trained dogs. They'd all pee on the furniture if we let them." Jen: somber "You don't think if I like Jonesy's dad, it's kind of like cheating on my dad, do you? I mean, even though he's gone, I still feel like he's my dad." Nikki: "I think he'd be psyched to know you have someone cool like Jonesy's dad to be your stepfather. He'd want you to be happy." Jen: "Can you believe such a nice dad has such annoying sons?" Nikki: "I know. They must be adopted or something." turns around into a strange and eerie sight. The Clones are all looking at her confrontationally. Nikki: "Jen, I've gotta go. The Clones are staring at me." hangs up. "Yes?" Chrissy: "What is that?" points at Nikki's pocket, into which is tucked some fabric. Nikki: "It's a bandana. We use it to decorate customers, remember?" Chrissy: "Why is it in your pocket?" Nikki: "I dunno. I was decorating the front window like you told me to and must have stuck it in my pocket." Chrissy: "Admit it, you were trying to steal this bandana." Nikki: laughing "Yeah, right. I wouldn't be caught dead in one of these." Kirsten: "Maybe you'd be caught alive." Nikki: "What?" Chrissy: "That's not all. Our Khaki Barn Logo Label Gun is missing too." Nikki: "Oh, and what would I do with one of those? Wallpaper my bedroom with Khaki Barn logos?" Kirsten: excited "Ooh! Cute idea." Nikki: "Okay, is the interrogation over or are you gonna call in CSI?" Chrissy: "We'll be watching you, Nikki." Clones walk off, each one making gestures to indicate their eyes will be on her. Kristen, the last in line, messes it up and pokes herself in the eye. Kristen: "AAAH!" stumbles away. Nikki: "Ugh. I must have been so bad in a previous life." ---- again, Jen is getting her dress fitted. On the other side of the room, which is separated by a curtain, the Garcia sons are getting fitted for their suits. Jonesy: "I thought you girls already tried your dresses on." goes over to them. Courtney: "Knock knock. Mine's already perfect, but Jen needed a second fitting." Jen: "I heard that." Courtney: "You guys clean up pretty well." Jonesy: "I've gotta say, I look pretty money in this tux." nobody's watching, Robbie sneaks over to the girls' side of the room and hides in a changing room. Jen: her changing room "I can–barely move–in this dress right now!" Jonesy: "Chicks at Grind Me are gonna go wild when they see me in these duds at the stag party." Jen: worried "Did you say your stag party is at Grind Me?" Jonesy: "Yep! Thursday night, baby!" hi-fives Diego. Courtney: angry "They double-booked us?" Jonesy: "So? Grind Me's a big place. We can have them both there. It'll be fun." Jen: upset "You can't have a stag party at the same place we're having our shower!" Jonesy: "Why not?" Diego: at Jen "Nice dress." Jen: "Shut it." Courtney: "Because showers are nice, classy events, and what the heck does your dad need a stag for, he's been married before!" Jonesy: "Well what the heck does your mom need a shower for?" Courtney and Jen: offended "It's tradition!" Jonesy: "Exactly!" and Jen angrily give up and leave the boys' side. Courtney: "Oh, and you're supposed to be wearing purple ties to match our dresses." Jonesy: "We like green." Jen: "Well too bad!" Jonesy: "Who says you get to decide?" Jen: "That's just the way it is!" Jonesy: "I don't wanna wear a purple tie!" looks down and sees Robbie trying to peek up her skirt. She lashes out with her leg, kicking him back hard. Robbie: "Ow! Take it easy, sis!" walks back over to his brothers' side of the room. Jen: of patience "Jonesy! Control your brothers!" dress consultant starts unzipping Jen's dress. Diego: "Okay, we'll wear the stupid purple ties, but we're not moving the stag. We booked it first!" Jonesy: the curtain "And another thing–" stops dead. Jen is almost naked, covered only by her panties. Jonesy: "AAAAHHH!" Jen: "AAAAAHHH!" Jonesy: his eyes "AAAAAHHH!" Jen: to cover herself "AAAAAAHHH!" Jonesy: peeking "AAAAAHHH!" Jen: for a changing room "AAAAAAAAHHH!" herself in "I hate guys!" begins crying. Jonesy: his brothers "We'll just move the stag." ---- wedding day is still the 25th, but by now it's the 21st. ---- walks into work. She is tackled by two clones and escorted into the employee of the month room. Nikki: led "Aah! Let go! Hey! No!" shuts the door behind them. Nikki is pushed onto a chair, and a harsh light shines down onto her. Nikki: her eyes "What's going on?" Chrissy: "A baby blue tube top has gone missing. Care to enlighten us?" Nikki: "Okay. How about it's ugly and never should have been available for public consumption?" Chrissy: "We think you stole it!" Nikki: "Fascinating. Do you have any proof?" Kirsten: "We don't need proof? We voted? And we all think that you did it." Nikki: "Oh, now this is a democracy?" Chrissy: "No, it's a Khakiocracy? And if we had proof, you'd be fired by now. Right now, we're just majorly suspicious." Nikki: "Okay, this is starting to get annoying." grabs Nikki's backpack and takes it away. She shows Nikki a see-through purse. Chrissy: "From now on, you carry this into and out of the store with all your belongings in it, so we can see them clearly." Nikki: "You're kidding, right?" Chrissy: "Wish I was. Oh wait. No I don't." ---- friends are gathered around the table. Jonesy is in his tux–purple tie, as promised. Jonesy: "Nice bag, Nikki." chuckles. Nikki: "The Clones think I'm trying to steal their crappy clothing." walks up and stares into the bag. "Bug off, you nosy little creep!" shoves him away. "So, how's the move-in going?" Jonesy: "Last night, Jen just started crying, out of nowhere." Nikki: "Well, there had to be a reason, Jonesy. Did you ask her?" Jonesy: "I dunno. Something about no one listening to her something? I wasn't really paying attention." and Courtney walk up to the table. Jen sits in her chair while Courtney sits on the lemon's counter. Jonesy and Jen purposefully stare away from each other, Jonesy whistling nervously. Nikki: a long silence "What happened here?" Wyatt: "I feel it too. Serious tension." Diego: chuckling "Jonesy saw Jen naked yesterday!" slaps him. "Ow!" Nikki: "She's your stepsister, show a little respect!" Jonesy "And you!" Jonesy: his face "It was an accident, I swear! I didn't see anything!" Courtney: "It's actually good that this happened now and not in a year or two when you finally get your boobs, Jen." Jen: "Ugh! Can we just go and get this stupid present now, please?" ---- Garcia boys are relaxing in three Tush Control 3000s. Courtney: "No. No way." Jen: "Oh, we are not getting them a massage chair! You guys just want it for yourselves!" Diego: shaking "Frankly, I'm insulted that you would even say tha–aaaahhh." Courtney: "A Tush Control 3000 is not an appropriate wedding gift!" Jonesy: "Oh wait. The lumbar cycle is about to start. Wait for it...wait for it..." Jonesy, Robbie, and Diego: relaxing "Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh." Jen: "No way, Jonesy!" Jonesy: "There's an easy way to settle this. We'll do it the democratic way and take a vote. All in favor of the Tush Control 3000 say aye." Jonesy, Robbie, and Diego: "Aye." Jonesy: "Sorry. We can't help it if you're outnumbered." a credit card to the salesman "Ring this up, my good man, and tie a bow on it, will you? It's a gift." and Courtney gape. Jen: "This is so not fair!" Courtney: "You can't just–do this!" Jonesy: "Calm down now, tell you what. We'll let you pick the color." growls, picks up an electrical cord, and pulls the plug on the boys' massages. Jen: "Ugh!" out "C'mon, Courtney!" angrily follows her sister out. Robbie: "That was harsh." Jonesy: "But we got the chair." and Courtney exit the store. Courtney: "'Calm down.' I can't believe that guy!" Jen: "We've gotta get them back!" Courtney: "Seriously. If we don't put a stop to this now, think of how it's gonna be after the wedding." Jen: "I know!" up with a scheme "And I think I know just how to do it." ---- the wedding approaches, the Xs on the calender are getting heavier and darker, signifying the stress each day is carrying. Today is the 22nd. There are only 3 days left until the wedding. ---- is on the phone with his dad. He and his brothers are hanging out by the fountain. Jonesy: "No, but Dad–" interrupts. "But Dad–" is rebuffed. "Ugh!" hangs up as the call ends. "Great Wall of China this sucks! Let's go boys." leads the boys away from the fountain. ---- Kristen: "Welcome to the Khaki Barn!" is angrily folding a t-shirt. She looks up and finds Kristen and Kirsten's eyes on her. Nikki: "What? Stop staring at me!" Kristen and Kirsten: "Humph!" turn around and flounce away. Yummy Mummy: up a sweater "Do you think this would be appropriate for a wedding shower?" Chrissy: "Careful. She might steal your purse." stares at Chrissy angrily. ---- and Courtney are looking at color swatches while Jude reads a magazine and Caitlin works. Jen: "It's so weird seeing your mom get married." Caitlin: "But you do like Jonesy's dad, right?" Jen: "Sure, he's okay. I just wish the guys weren't such...guys." Courtney: "That's okay. They should be getting the good news any minute now." Jonesy: her "Hey! What's the big idea?" Garcia boys have arrived, and they are angry. Jonesy: "Diego and I were supposed to split the cool loft space in the attic! But someone just convinced my dad to give it to Jen and Courtney!" Jen: "Yes. We're just picking our paint color now. Wanna help?" Jonesy: "How'd you do it? You pulled the sweet little girl act, didn't you?" Courtney: "Maybe." at a color "Do you like this one?" Jen: "Ooh, good choice." Diego: "That is totally offside. He has no experience with daughters! He doesn't know how to say no!" Courtney: "We can't help it if we're resourceful. Gee, I feel calm right now. Do you feel calm?" Jen: "I feel really calm." Jonesy: "So you wanna play this way now? Fine. We're not moving the stag." Jen: shocked "What?!? You said you were going to." Jonesy: "That was before you stole our loft. So you can throw your little wedding shower at Grind Me if you want, but we will be there." Jen and Courtney: angry "Fine!" five get up, and the factions split away from the table. ---- walks into the Khaki Barn. He goes up to the sales counter and stands near Chrissy. Ron: "I understand there's been an 8719 Section B disturbance here." looks up, scared, and backs away. Chrissy: "That's right, officer." Ron: "You suspect an inside job?" Chrissy: "Oh, definitely. So inside." Nikki: "Oh, come on. You actually called in the rent-a-cop?" Ron: "That's mall security officer. Is that the perp?" nods. Ron stares at Nikki, and Nikki slams her head onto the table on which she's folding clothes. ---- bridal shower is going on at Grind Me. Yummy Mummy came, and of course she brought her son, who is inexplicably covered in Khaki Barn stickers. As we watch, he pulls out a sticker gun and applies some to a chair. Emma: "Girls, this is such a lovely party! You've done a beautiful job." noises and cheering interrupt. The stag party is watching a sports game. Jonesy: "Yee-haw! Yee-haw!" Coach Halder: "Yeah!" leaps onto the counter and starts dancing. Jonesy: "Way to go, bro!" Jonesy and Jude: "WOO-HOO!" Jen: "There just had to be a game on." growls. Emma: about the mood the party is taking "Finger sandwiches, anyone?" Jonesy: "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Sta-reaking!" runs across the restaurant naked. Every one of the women covers their eyes but Yummy Mummy, who takes a picture. Emma: broken "Was that my new stepson?" moons the bridal party as Jonesy continues to run around naked. Jen: "Oh, that is it!" turns up the sound on the classical music the women are listening to. This starts a volume war with the stag, which is listening to rock n' roll. The volumes on both CD players escalates, angering Charmaine, who covers her ears. Shortly afterwards, both parties are thrown out of the store, and Grind Me shuts down for the night. Partygoers: "Awww!" Jen: "But we booked it till ten P.M.!" Jonesy: put his pants back on "You never said anything about noise restrictions!" Courtney: "This is so unfair." angrily heads back inside to shut down the coffeehouse. Emma: relieved "Well, I guess we'd better get going. Thanks for a lovely party, girls." women leave the area. Jen and Courtney are the only ones who stay behind. Jude: "Good times while it lasted, bro." men leave as well. Jonesy is alone with his soon-to-be-stepsisters. Jonesy: "Well, I hope you're happy." Jen: "Us?!? You guys just ruined our wedding shower! You know what? Just don't ever talk to me again! Ever!" Jonesy: up "Fine by me!" factions storm off in opposite directions. ---- punches in the code to use the employee washrooms and is let in. Ron tries to follow her. Nikki: "AAAAH!" runs out of the room. Ron: outside "Let me in there, missy." Nikki: "Look, can you just–go away for a while?" Ron: "Negative. You go, I go. There are items in that washroom that need to be protected." whistles as Nikki pees. Fed up, she exits the bathroom in a rage. Nikki: "Okay, okay that's it. I can't live like this. I quit!" storms out of the store as the Clones cheer. Kirsten: "EEEE! Eeee, yes!" Ron: off his hands "My work here is done." Chrissy: "I don't know how to thank you." Kirsten: something "Uh, uh oh. Uh, Chrissy? Chrissy?" Chrissy: "What?" turns around and gasps. Yummy Mummy is dragging Stanley through the store with one arm. In the other arm is cradled the Khaki Barn Logo Label Gun. Yummy Mummy: the gun over "Stanley has something to say to you girls." Stanley: sorry at all "Sorry I stole all this stuff." Yummy Mummy: "I don't know what to say. He's usually such a good little boy." Chrissy: "Uh–thank you. For returning these?" Mummy leads Stanley out of the store. Chrissy looks at Kirsten, worried. Chrissy: "She's really gonna make me grovel, isn't she?" ---- Xs counting off the days are getting darker, heavier, and sloppier. The most recent one is almost a giant smudge. Fortunately, today is the 24th, and it should all be over soon... ---- pre-wedding dinner is going on inside Super Terrific Happy Sushi. Jen: a speech "I can still remember when my mom met Mr. Garcia. It was when I was five years old, and we had just moved into the neighborhood. And our basement was flooded." Diego: "Actually, I think they met at our Little League game." Jen: "Uh, no, it was when the basement leaked? Your dad helped bail us out." Jonesy: "I think he's right." Diego "I think you're right, dude." Jen: "Okay, so anyway, a lot has happened and now we all have to live together, so cheers." and down the table, guests clink glasses. Seeing an opportunity, Jen spills her drink on Diego. Diego: "Hey!" giggles. Chrissy comes in and walks over to Nikki. Chrissy: "Uh, Nikki? Can we talk to you?" grins nervously. Kristen and Kirsten have brought back Nikki's backpack, and Ron is with them. Chrissy: nervous "We know you didn't steal anything." Kirsten: "It was that annoying little boy who comes in here with his mom? You know, the mom who dresses like a cougar?" worried "We brought you your knapsack! You can use it anytime in the store!" Nikki: cheerfulness "Gee, thanks, Kirsten! I'll be sure to mention that when I call Head Office to tell them about how you guys harassed me. Later." starts to walk back to her seat. Chrissy: "Wait! You can have any shifts you want! And elite restroom washroom usage! And two extra breaks a day!" this last one, Nikki stops. Nikki: "Make it three and you have a deal." the table, Jen and Diego are wrestling over a breadstick. Jen: "You are such a pig! You've had like ten of these already!" the wrestling match goes on, Jonesy stares at Courtney's cleavage. Jonesy: appreciatively "Mmm-mmm." Courtney: herself "Ew! Were you just staring at my chest? Pervert." Jonesy: "No ew no! I wasn't, Dad!" Jen: "That's it! You are such a jerk!" slams a slice of cake into Diego's face. Diego: "Hey, if you're so hungry, take mine!" slings his cake at her, and a food fight erupts. Jude: to Caitlin "This is getting really ugly, dude." bride taps on her wine glass with a knife. She and the groom stand up. Emma: to get everyone's attention "E-excuse me? Excuse me, everyone, we have an announcement to make?" Jen: Diego "Where did you learn your manners anyway, a barnyard?" Diego: "The only cow around here is you!" Mr. Garcia: his throat "Ahem. We have decided to postpone the wedding." table gasps. Emma: "We had no idea how miserable this was making you all, but it's clear to us now that–you just aren't ready for this kind of change." up "So we've decided to wait until you're all grown up and on your own." parents walk away from the table, marriage plans in a smoking, demolished heap. Jen: "Wow, I feel so bad." Diego: "You should." Jen: angry "Shut up, you little pain in my butt–" Nikki: "Guys, you've gotta stop it! You're ruining your parents' wedding." four hang their heads. Courtney: "Nikki's right. And as much as I can't stand you guys, your dad does make our mom really happy." Jonesy: "Yeah, ditto. But what are we gonna do? We can't agree on anything." Diego: "We need someone...neutral." Jen: "Someone who's gotten out of tough situations before." Caitlin: "Someone you all respect." Nikki: "How important is the respect part?" ---- siblings are gathered in front of Ron, who sits in front of the table. Ron: "Gentlemen, ladies. I know seeing your parents get married is about as comfortable as wearing a pair of synthetic thong underwear. But, from where I sit, you soldiers have it pretty good." so-called soldiers nod. "Good. Now, let's turn you maggots into a family." the next few hours, the five tell Ron their problems and agree to compromises. Ron makes a charter. Jen: "I don't feel as if I'm being heard. Like, when I say I really have to pee, I really have to pee." Ron: "You will let the girls into the washroom when they have to pee." Diego: "Deal." next big thing is the Eating Chair. Jonesy: "The rules of the Eating Chair must be observed! It's tradition!" leans over to Ron and whispers something into his ear. Ron: "Will you concede at least one hour of girl programming per night if the girls agree to relinquish all rights to said chair?" Jonesy: "We will." Ron: "Very well." it down "Let's call that bylaw 27." ---- is reading out the charter to the assembled soon-to-be siblings. Ron: "And in accordance, the girls shall play their chick music at a sound level no louder than a hundred and ten decibels. And the boys shall refrain from farting in the presence of the girls. All parties copacetic?" Jen, Diego, Robbie, Jonesy, and Courtney: "Yes." Jonesy: "Yeah, well, definitely!" Ron: over the charter "Sign here. I now pronounce you a family." claps. Wyatt, Nikki, and Jude look at the new family, smiling. Nikki: "Nice." Jonesy: "Thanks man. You saved our lives." Ron: "I know. Now suck it up, you little mama's boy, and go tell your parents the wedding is on." ---- 24th is completely scrawled over in black marker. Fortunately, today is the 25th, wedding day, and a nice pink heart is drawn around it. ---- wedding has just started. Diego is going down the aisle with Courtney, and Jen is giving her mother a kiss on the cheek. Jen: "Love you, mom." Emma: "Love you too, sweetie. And thank you." takes Jen's arm and leads her down the aisle. As he does, Robbie mischievously grabs at the bow on Jen's dress and tugs. It tears off, revealing her pink underwear-clad hindquarters, but Jen doesn't notice. ---- wedding is over. It has gone off without a hitch, and now DawgToy is playing over the stereo. Photographer: "Everyone smile!" photographer takes a picture, and everyone cheers. Ron is by the snack table, eating wedding cake. Ron: "Mmm. This is one heck of a good cake." stepsons are dancing with the stepdaughters, the bride is dancing with the groom, and everything seems right, except for the fact that Diego can't take his eyes off of Courtney's chest. Courtney: "Hey, you can take your eyes off my boobs anytime!" looks up. "Gosh you guys are annoying!" Diego: "Yeah, but you'll grow to love us." smiles, and they continue their dance. Jen: with Jonesy "So, it's official. You're my brother now. I guess it could be worse." Jonesy: "Yeah, you're not so bad." his voice "By the way, as your new brother, I think I should warn you: we can all see your underwear." looks down and spots where her dress has ripped. Jen: "BWAAAOOOH!" runs for shelter. Jonesy watches, amused. Jonesy: "I think I'm gonna like having sisters." Category:Season 2